40 things I’d love to share… a potential midlife crisis for my 40th!
Today (4th February 2021 if you’re not reading this on the day it was published) I am 40, cliché though it is that really makes me reflect. Had you known me 11 years ago you would not recognise the person I am today, throughout my thirties I changed my career, my opinions, my approach to life… I changed so much about myself that even I struggle to reconcile the scared, shy, quiet person I was to who I am today. To celebrate (or at least acknowledge) that I’ve put together the 40 things I have learnt and come to terms with over the last ten years – the 40 things I’ve learnt in my 30s.
1. It’s never as bad as you think it’s going to be – I’ve been an anxious shy person for a good proportion of my life, worrying about everything and most of the time the reality of the big bad thing I’m having nightmares about is not as bad as I thought… or at the very least it’ll soon be over (rather like giving birth!)
2. No one is looking at you – on the whole people are too wrapped up in themselves to look at you, I used to dread going to pubs alone because everyone would stare… they really won’t, they’re too wrapped up in their own worlds
3. If they do look, think the best – if someone does look assume it’s because they think you’re attractive or clever or look interesting. Honestly, it’ll change your whole mindset and give you confidence
4. People do thing for their reasons, not yours – this is an oldy but a goodie, don’t assume someone has cancelled plans because they hate you, maybe they’re just feeling unhappy themselves
5. You look better than you think – you know how the camera adds ten pounds (apparently)? Well your mind subtracts loads of confidence points and looks for your weaknesses that external viewers just don’t see. I can promise you they see you as more attractive, more intelligent, more funny etc etc than you think you are
6. There’s someone out there for everyone! – this is true of clients, relationships, friendships… you will find your kind of crazy, the perfect match to you because there really is someone out there for everone
7. One opinion is not the collective view – Just because your mum tells you you’re not funny or one ex thinks your unattractive is not how you are. That’s one opinion, one viewpoint, get out and find some others
8. Be Honest – you (honestly lol) cannot go wrong with telling the truth, lies are a web you can get caught up in and sometimes being honest and open leads to amazing things
9. Be Open – I’ve learnt to be open about how I am feeling, why I am acting a certain way and this changes my relationships – for the better. If I can’t do something because I feel too low I share it and people understand
10. Don’t be scared to be vulnerable – having mental health issues is nothing to be ashamed of, having faults is nothing to be ashamed of, people will not knock you but they might understand you a bit more
11. Lists do work -
12. Depression should be indulged not ignored – if you suffer from a mental health illness or you have low days don’t ignore them, don’t push through – indulge them and let them work themselves out, they will pass quicker that way than forcing yourself to carry on
13. Anxiety is a warning – if you feel anxious it’s for a reason, stop and listen to your body/mind and decide why. Is it really a gut feeling that you should heed? Is it because morally you disagree with something you have to do? Listen to those feelings and respect them
14. Habits and Addictions are markers – If you keep doing something, can’t stop yourself there’s a reason. If you avoid a certain task it’s because it scares you – either because it seems to hard or because you don’t like/agree with what you need to do… face into that, recognise why you feel a certain way
15. Do what you love – life is short, far too short to be stressed or unhappy, find something you love and do it – whether that’s your work, a hobby, the people you’re with. Find what you love and do it as much as you can
16. Own your mistakes – Everyone makes mistakes, hiding from them will not help and people are a lot more forgiving if you admit your mistakes and face into them
17. Have an anchor – for me this is my children, I never saw myself as the motherly sort and I still don’t, I was petrified having children that I wouldn’t be any fun or know what to do but my children bring out all the love in me and anchor me when I’m feeling sad or hopeless. Find your anchor and hold onto it
18. People want to hear what you have to say – outside of academia and giving presentations of Edward IV or why volcanoes were formed if you’ve been asked to speak or you are giving a presentation/course/talk then – as adults- people have chosen to be there and listen to what you have to say, an engaged audience is nothing to be scared of
19. There’s nothing you can’t learn – I firmly believe this, want to do some tiling? Read a manual or watch a YouTube video, can’t work out an excel formula, google and they’ll be a forum showing you how. Don’t be scared to learn something new and don’t always rely on someone else to do it for you
20. This too shall pass – everything is transient, that pain you’re feeling, that work stress that is too hard to deal with, those people that are being idiots, they will all pass. You have to know there is an end, you may not be able to see it but it is there
21. Be bright and bold – if you have to do something that scares you, public speaking or an interview, go bold and bright with your colour choices – it boosts your confidence. Drab, dull, dark colours or outfits where you try and blend into the background make you feel drab and dull and won’t help
22. Achievements aren’t always what they seem – you know those Facebook groups that ask your to share your ‘wins’ for the week and people wax lyrical about their massive achievements? Sometimes my achievements are getting out of bed, getting dressed. If there is something you worked hard to do, however small, it’s an achievement
23. Don’t compare – No one is living your life, that couple without a mortgage, those women who reveal in craft afternoons and homemade birthday cakes, those ladder-climbing career superstars. Everyone is living their own life and you don’t see what goes on behind the scenes. Focus on your life and your own journey, it’ll save you a lot of jealousy
24. Gut feelings are real feelings – if you feel it, it’s real. On’t ever ignore a gut feeling when taking an exam or when dealing with people, clients, work situations. If you have a feeling you need to listen to it and do something about it, even if that means mentally rationalising your choices
25. Confrontation is scary – there are people out there who enjoy arguments, these are rare though and most people are as scared as you to raise issues, push back. Think about that as you start a constructive confrontation, it might help diffuse some of the fear you’re feeling
26. You catch more flies with honey than vinegar – nobody responds well to anger, if you want something you need to use kindness and humanity. If you want to complain, do so nicely. If you want to change something and meet resistance, ask nicely. It might take more time and it might mean swallowing pride or anger but I promise you’ll get better results
27. Being polite costs nothing – manners, they’re free, sprinkle that shizzle everywhere. Thank people, reply to emails, remember birthdays and apologise if you’re wrong. Being a good person costs you nothing
28. If you can’t stop thinking about it, do it – this goes for hobbies or outfits, career choices, people. If you think about something, out something in your online shopping basket and keep going back but don’t buy it’s for a reason. Just do it, life is short. You may regret getting it but you may not and you will definitely regret not doing it at all
29. Love. Lots – Never be scared of the L word, love is wonderful and fulfilling. Love your children, your partners, love your friends and people who change your life and tell them. Telling someone you love them – in whatever way that is – is a truly amazing thing to share
30. Try everything twice – Give thing a chance, always try new things and do it more than once, doing something different is scary but getting out of that comfort zone can help you find amazing experiences and amazing things
31. Share your happy – if you’re feeling up, share it, make someone else smile. I once dressed in red on Valentine’s Day and skipped round the office delivering chocolate hearts to everyone. Crazy? Possibly but I was happy and wanted others to be happy too
32. Don’t invalidate feelings (yours or others) – if someone says they feel something, listen. You cannot tell someone they are not feeling something, just like someone else cannot tell you you’re not feeling something. Be careful with other people’s feelings, acknowledge them and respect them
33. Age is a number – when it comes to friends, relationships, interactions of any kind age is just a number, cross generation gaps and learn a different perspective. There is no hard and fast rules about the people we connect with the most so don’t be scared to speak to lots of different people
34. Don’t be scared to ask for help – no one can do everything, it’s not possible. If you can’t do something ask for help, people are usually happy to give it and you’ll learn something new
35. Dance and Sing – I can’t sing, I’m not tone deaf but I’m just the wrong side of tuneful, I imagine I can dance and I probably can’t. I don’t care about either of those, I love to do both and I do, a lot. In front of other people too. Who cares, I’m just letting my happy out
36. Give and Take Compliments – learn to accept compliments, if someone wants to say something nice to you, you should accept it gracefully (and gratefully) and if you want to say something nice to someone else, say it! Don’t hold back, we all like hearing lovely things
37. Question yourself and your assumption – the brain is a powerful thing, but it can be reasoned with. I used to fear not being perfect, like not having homemade cakes ready for guests but I’ve learnt to question why I believe things – questioning ‘what will people actually think if there isn’t cake’ may sound silly but it helps relieve some of that pressure you put on yourself
38. Stop looking at life through a camera lens – we take photos of everything these days, it’s almost habit but often we are so busy taking photos or trying to capture that perfect moment that we miss enjoying it
39. Sometimes you have no control – if you’re late and all the traffic lights are red you really can’t help that, we cannot help some things so just accept them and relax, it’ll make things a lot easier rather than getting stressed and wound up
40. Find what your happy looks like – we all spend so much time going along, not really paying attention to our lives and accepting the status quo. Sometimes it pays to stop and think, are you really happy? When I changed direction in life and started Spinning Plates, away from the corporate path I had been following before that my own mother commented that she’d never realised how unhappy I was until she saw me happy. Understand that about yourself and find your happy